| UNDER CONSTRUCTION TRYING TO FIX THE OLD RAMBLER.... A Journal of Sorts I don't even know what will end up here. Stuff in my head, I suppose. Even though I live pretty carefree in general, I still think about things. I also have decided what I think about a lot of things. That makes more sense than it does... Something has gone wrong with this page. Mayge I'm not supposed to ramble... I'll try to fix it later. March 36th,2006 I've been desperateely trying to wake up my muse and am beginning to think she either moved out or is hiding. All these years, I've scribbled in notebooks, most of which, years and years of writing, are gone. Jeremy's mother knew I'd kept up with those journals and notebooks since I was 8 yrs. old. She even gave me a journal and pen for Christmas. Before my appendix exploded. Before she realized it would take Jeremy away if I had to go home to recover. Whatever. Then, for years before then, there were all the years raising kids, mine, theirs, others, and working different jobs, sometimes at once, that I told myself that I would get back to writing ASAP. ASAP actually came sooner than I ever expected. I figured when I was about 70, but now being disabled, I find myself with the opportunity and no idea what to write! There is the chance that the pain I am in and the meds I take some how block my Muse. Except that I know Muses are magical. I'm pretty sure Poe was three sheets to the wind when he wrote some of his masterpieces. I am the block. Maybe the physical pain. Just took a big dose of pain meds and have Herb's heating pad on my back. We'll see... I write a lot of email, especially to my pen pal, Beaver. I really enjoy our penpalship. It is warm, witty, and even sometimes wise. He's a remarkable man and brings out a Little Muse in me to write to letters. I feel it. It's a familiar feeling in that I have had a lot of mail relationships with members of my family, being a letter writer since I was six. I received my first letter from a girl named Dianna Ross when I had to leave Louisiana and go to Kansas because the doctor said I needed a dryer climate. I still write snail mail letters to Jami, and very rarely Lindsey, but I now use Email if at all possible. Not that it's always easier for me, but some of the features on a computer i.e. being able to save what you write when you have a bad memory comes in pretty handy. Sometimes I feel a Little Muse writing letters, I suppose because I am trying to be entertainiong enough to make it worth their time to read! But no sign of THE Muse. Surely, I'll figure out how to get her back. There is an episode of Raymond in which he writes a book that is turned down by his publisher, and Robert, ever ready to put Ray 'in his place', says, "Hmmm... thousands of crappy books get published every day, and yours got turned down, so..." Ya know, that is a terrible thought. And my Muse gently sleeps. Maybe weeps. Maybe she wants out, too. January 30, 2006 I won my disability case September 26, 2005 and my medicaid started in December. I was able to go to doctors outside of the County Clinic, finally, and found those who believe in and will treat fibromyalgia, as well as the other problems I have, and now have a Dr. Blair as my primary Care Phys. in Council Bluffs. I use narcotics now under his supervision and have hope that I will find a balance of life again. My monthly $600. from SSI started this month and I am still waiting for my 4 year settlement that will change my world. Right now, I pretty much hate the life Jeremy and I are living, but we both hang on knowing that things are going to change for us. I have enjoyed very much of it, but living with Jess and Pat hs been the hardest by far on Jeremy, especially since I have been laid up with a back injury for over a month now and Jeremy does all of the dishes and cooking, when there is food to cook. He is almost never thanked for what he does around here, and pretty much treated like crap. Jeremy can go ask Pat a simple question and if Pat's in a bad mood he gets "Are you f---ing with me?!" and Jeremy backs down because of me. Not to say that Jeremy is no piece of cake to live with either! He takes a lot of understanding and patience and pretty much lives in denial of his mental disabilities, which can be very hard to deal with.We just should have moved out long ago.He can no longer keep up with this place, especially now that they have a new puppy, there is a drying pile of dog shit about four feet from where I'm sitting.We are house hunting, hope the settlement comes in before we have to settle for a tiny place we can afford on what we get now, but I have promised Jeremy to get us out of here. And I beieve that it will help Jess and me grow closer to not be under the same roof with her boyfriend, and for me not to be in the middle of so much of her business with Patrick. I love Patrick very much, as a person, a friend, and as the father of Jessalynn, and that makes Jess believe sometimes that I think they should stay together no matter what, when I really believe that they should do whatever makes them both the happiest. UPDATE 2005 Jeremy and I gave up the Ganja after Michelle Rose was born. We had planned to try and get on "legal" meds for our problems when we came to Omaha, but Michelle's birth gave us that big push. It was easier for me than Jeremy, but he had a longer habbit and more of a psychological adiction. But we did it. We have been going to Douglas Co. Pshche to try to find legal drugs for our problems and are both in regular therapy, but I can't say the drugs are helping us too much except Jeremy is having less seisures now taking twice as much Tegretol. And sleepint thrice as much. I have found nothing else that helps the pain of my fibromyalgia. I have a doctor who "doesn't believe" in fibromyalgia, and that doesn't help!!! Makes me want to try some vodoo! I told him I would experiment with the street drugs I could find and he said Go Ahead. Great doctor. I did, and I found out that there is nothing so far that works that doesn't also knock me on my butt and/or make me puke. Hydrocodone still worked at first but my resistance built up quick and I gave up. So, I can pass a piss test but I live in pain. Thanks for the help Dr.Jeff @ DC Primary Health Care!! Life in Nebraska I recently won my disability case in court and am waiting for it to begin. And pretty much for my life to begin again. Jeremy and I have been living at Jess's for seven months, and it has often been hard on all of us, but gone amazingly well especially considering that I brough a boyfriend into the mix. It has been phschologically hard to return to the place of my destruction, a city haunted by bad memories, and we haven't really made many new, good, memories here, except through getting to know my grandchildren. We live a poor existance, do whatever it takes to survive as always, and Jeremy and I cling to each other knowing that in the end that we are all each has in this world. Everything else can disappear, we know this from experience, but we survive it because we have each other. I've been tring to rebuild relationships with my girls. Jami was the easiest, likely because she is the oldest, even if she has had drug problems for what seens like forever, she was the first to open up her heart to me, and the only to love my Jeremy. Things went a little slower with Jeanette, partly because she says she was kept in the dark about my arrival in Omaha, but also because of the last rift between us and the fact that it is hart to apologize for because she was caught so many oposing forces, and that the war was actually beteen Rob's mother and me. Rob, too got caught in the crossfire, I think he knew his mother was wrong but, well, she's his mother. And I don't think he saw or admitted to her drug problems until much later. Jeanete and I began softly, not asking anything of each other except for the chance to be together again and share the wonders of little Janise, and have grown close again, but this time as women, not just as mother and daughter. She is currently 7 weeks pregnant, and we are happy about it, timing and all. She and Rob are good parents. I believe Rob and I will be close again someday, we have been working on it. We have been living with Jess and Pat which isn't the best way to get reaquainted. Especially since they are a couple still and almost always at war with each other. Our number one thing in common is loving 3 year old Jessalynn Jess and Pat do manage to be good parents and share a love of Jesalynn that is likely what has held them together while they are both growing up themselves. In my heart I hope they work it all out and decide to be a family, with each other. I'm still not as close to Jessica as I would like to be, I don't know if anyone is, although I think she really wants to be close to someone, but she hasn't chosen any of those around her to open up to. My girls are not close to each other. That is one of the sadest things. I never expected this distance between them, especially between Jess and Jeanette. Jami and Jess were close for a few years when they had drugs and hating me in common, but have drifted apart in a sea of misunderstanding. Jeanette tried to at lest keep taking care of Jess but was seen as intrusive instead of helpful, so she was never appreciated, but reviled, and is now bitter, but still tries to help. Jami and Nett have never been close but have been asking me for each other's contact information, so maybe there will be a future sisterhood there. I hope there is one in the future for all of them. Jess has just had the hardest time growing up because she has the hardest time letting go of the past, which all too often appears rosier that it actually was, and seems better than her present to her. She still doesn't know that she has to make her future, but she is still very young, very introspective, and will hopefully get it and start really living her life in the present. Jami took some huge knocks to understand that she is her own destiny, Jeanette took a few but mostly learned by watching others make mistakes and taking notes, and we are all waiting and praying for Jess to break through. She is crippled with depression, bulemia, and a poor self image, just has to realize that only she can fix all of it. I beg my therapist to help me help her and she keeps saying, Jess is a bright young woman, she will decide to save herself or not, there's nothing you can do. She said the same about Jami, but I can't stop trying with either, and I still believe I play a big part in Jami's recovery of herself. Just being here and always loving her, accepting her in any condition even if I disapprove, has touched her heart. I still hope to touch Jessi's heart. I have even forged a relationship with Jami's father, Jim, since I've been back. We have learned to respect each other and share our parenthood of Jami, and Jim totally accepts Jeremy in the role of stepfather to Jami and partner to me. Mikey has divorced Jami but still stands by her and takes care of her as well as doing an excellent job as a single parent to Joey and Michelle. He is also a great friend to Jeremy and me, still family with us, and we both love spending time with him. Lindsey is still my sweet sunshine, and thriving with her fatherin California, where I plan to visit her ASAP.Last but not least, I now have a Pen Pal, Beaver, in Minnesota, who I exchange daily emails with and have a really nice relationship with. He is witty and warm and often my confidant these days. We are very different yet have the strangest things in common so I think that we somehow help each other. I never really expected to find such a friend on the evil internet, but there he is. And that's my world October, 2005. While still in Texas 2004 I don't have much love for life in this world although there are still people and things that I care about very much. I have no love for the world we are a part of. I stoutly believe in God but I'm not always any more thrilled with Him than He is with me. I read the Bible. Not like I used to. I'm not guilt ridden and reading to save my black soul and I'm not searching for any answers. I just like the stories and how nicely the Bible alignes with my own beliefs even if religion does not. I love the outdoors and growing things. I have hundreds of plants that I take meticulous care of. I walk them every morning and evening, checking them for damage or whatever they might need. I hate dealing with people to sell them but love it when they are admired and bought. My forays into hamanity have made me greatly appreciate plant life. And fish. Our pond currently only has two fat female fancy tail guppies and dozens of half grown babies and a plecostamus, but if you sit there you will see all kinds of other tiny life in the water. The pond is over two feet deep and, thanks to accidently leaving the hose on in it, the water is very clear right now. You can see the little schools of fishies swimming around the tiny new leaves starting on the lillies. I spend the majority of my time with these friends and my Jeremy. Jeremy is always nearby. We have received this gift of peace and harmony together and share it and everything. I don't ever for a second miss the world that drew away from me or the illusion that any of it mattered. Those who shut me out ultimately set me free to have a new life. I don't think I would have this at all if my mother hadn't been able to take a stand for and then with me before she died. That would have changed everything. This would be a story of a whipped dog scurrying out of the way of heavy booted feet instead of a story of quiet Triumph. Jeremy and I get the most amazing gifts. Some very big and some so small I'm sure we fail to notice and give thanks, but they are so meant for us that their message is meant to be. If we need an unusual blade holder for a razor, Jeremy will find one on the way to the store. Our last gift was my Geisha. We were walking to the store at 1 am to avoid the heat of day and Jeremy said, "Do you hear a cat?" I froze and listened to the still night and heard a faint howling in the distance that I was amazed as always that he noticed. We followed the sound and it got really loud, this cat was howling and I was sure it was huge and then we saw it. A tiny 10 week old kitten sitting by the road mowling its lungs out. It ran to us and we took her shopping with us and she is now part of our little family. More later. Seeya. |
